How do you explain to a narcissistic mother that she is hurting you?
By Sabine Fourneaux
From my experience, you can explain all you want, you can be kind in your approach to the subject, gentle with your choice of words, empathetic to what could be her point of view and be forgiving by letting her know how much you love her — and she will not take in one single word of it.
I tried for decades with my mother and she only got worse. When she singled out my granddaughter for the same treatment (she was a woman who defines and splits by golden child and scapegoat — there is no middle ground), I tried to explain to her how it was hurting my granddaughter and alienating my grandson — her response was “but she is so awful and [he] is the sweetest little boy” she was cut from their lives fully by my son, and my grandson, who had always been her little angel and loved her deeply but who also adores and dotes on his little sister, never wanted anything to do with her again and grew to hate her for her treatment of his sister . Of course, she blamed me even though I had nothing to do with it but only sought to help her avoid that fate. Narcissist mothers are awful to their very core. Every time I interacted with her it was worse and worse as the years went by and I have no contact with her anymore, and never will. All I ever wanted was for her to love me, to see me, to accept me. She never will because she never wanted to. This is what ‘splitting’ looks like — you are ‘all’ bad in their eyes, no matter what you do, how hard you try or how well you’ve treated them. NPDs discard the people they devalue — it’s what they do, even to their children.
NB: Devaluing and scapegoating behavior applies to NPD fathers too.