The Narcissist’s reality.

Two excellent answers that capture the Narcissist’s internal experience.

From Marlene Matlock:

A person who has a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) considers themselves to be a PERFECT PERSON! They do not even contemplate the idea that they are even the slightest bit disordered. In fact, YOU are the one who has problems because you are not a PERFECT PERSON in their eyes!

This mentally disordered thinking stems from their parent(s) or caretaker style toward the child between the ages of 2–7 years when they developing their personality. The parent(s) or caretaker does not show the love, the caring, validation as to who they are, or a child is abused emotionally, physically, sexually or verbally. They can also be abandoned by parents who are alcoholics, drugs, and workaholics or abandons them completely. A parent(s) could also put the child up on a pedestal where the child does no wrong. There are many reasons which a parent(s) could be damaging to a child’s psyche and this includes a parent who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The life of a child is chaotic, confusing and dysfunctional. It usually does not show up until the child reaches early adulthood.

First of all, an NPD is on the hunt for a Perfect Person. When they see someone who is a friendly, attractive, kind, nice to others, smart, strong, loving, caring person they start showing an interest in them. Because after all they have none of these traits in their life and they think that someone with these traits will benefit them in the public eye.

Now the NPD will wine and dine you in the nicest restaurants, buy you gifts, call and text you all day long leaving sweet and loving messages. You feel on top of the world that someone like this who is so perfect loves you so much. You will discover your NPD shows you how much your ideas, goals, and dreams are so much alike that they convince you that you are “soulmates.” You are flying high with this new romance.

You think life is so wonderful and magical that this person wants to wait no more and convinces you to move in or get married as quickly as possible after all this is a “dream” relationship.

What happens next is the beginning of reality. You start to notice that your sweet, loving and caring NPD partner starts distancing from you. Eventually, you discover that “something is wrong but you can’t quite put your finger on it.” This is a common phrase I hear from victims who are with an NPD. No worries because you know the NPD is so much in love with you…Right?

Eventually, you will find out that an NPD is incapable of loving you or anyone in their life even their children. They are incapable of caring about you and your feelings because they lack emotional empathy.

You will find that your dating period was full of FAKE LOVE called “Love Bombing.” You eventually begin to realize that you are tangled up in your NPD’s convoluted web of lies and deceit! They have been totally lying to you while all the time they led you to believe that honesty was their highest virtue. You will find that they will distort your reality by “Gaslighting.” You soon find that your sole purpose in their life is to put you down, criticize you and throw you under the bus just so they can feel superior to you. They are addicted to these feelings of Superiority! That is it! They never loved you or even cared for you ever. They do not even care or love their children. They want to have the children so they can control you! It was all an act.

You need to understand that they are psychologically and mentally disordered and considered to be a very toxic person and they exist all over the world.

They wear the “Mask of Perfection” in the public view but behind closed doors they do not have these wonderful traits. It is a tragic reality that unfortunately is a terribly hidden fact that these people actually exist in our society and in all parts of the world.

You will find yourself isolated from family and friends because the NPD appears to be perfect but sadly they are anything but perfect. If you have never lived with an NPD you will not understand the devastation that is done to a person deep down to their soul!

The positive aspect is if you go ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT you have to do it like you have fallen off the face of the earth to them. It is only then that you can heal and get well. The unfortunate aspect is that NPD will never be healed to where they are a kind, loving, supportive, caring, mature adult that you can have a healthy relationship with.

An NPD is loaded with a convoluted and twisted life of lies and deceit that you need to educate yourself as to how you were involved with them. Learn all you can about Narcissism, NPD, Covert and Overt “gaslighting,” “projection,” “Love Bombing,” and “Gray Rock Method.” It is only until you understand their behavior will you not let them control and manipulate you or involve yourself with another NPD.

From Elinor Greenberg:

People with Narcissistic Personality Adaptations are generally very preoccupied with their own needs. Their abusive actions are a very predictable byproduct of their:

  • Unstable Self-Esteem: They use their relationships with other people to help regulate their unstable self-esteem. Devaluing their mate gives them an easy always available way to feel superior.
  • Lack of Empathy: They have little or no emotional empathy for other people. This means that they do not feel bad if they hurt you. In fact, they may not even notice.
  • “One-Mindedness:” They cannot see that there can be more than one valid way to view a situation. This leads them to believe that you are criticizing them when you are simply expressing opinions that differ from their opinions. Then they see you as attacking them, so they feel justified in attacking you back.
  • Hierarchical Thinking: They do not accept that other people are equal to them and have the right to make their own decisions and think their own thoughts.
  • Lack Ability to Self-Regulate: They did not internalize the capacity to self-soothe themselves during childhood. Now, instead of going “within” and calming themselves, Narcissists believe that the solution to their negative feelings is to control the behavior of those around them. They reason: If you didn’t do x, y, or z, I would feel better. Therefore, it is your fault that I feel bad. As you are to blame, you should change.
  • Lack of Whole Object Relations and Object Constancy: They cannot maintain a stable, realistic, and integrated picture of themselves and other people. They view things in extremes—first idealizing you as perfect, them devaluing you as worthless as they begin to notice your flaws.

Punchline: You cannot understand Narcissistic behavior by applying normal standards. If you do so, you are bound to be unpleasantly surprised over and over again. People with Narcissistic Adaptations are disinterested in what you are thinking or feeling unless it helps them in a way that they value. If they are staying in a relationship, it is because it still benefits them more than leaving.

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