Two reasons why narcissists push the ones that love them the most away.
The first factor is their attachment style.
Attachment style plays a factor in why narcissist pushes the ones that love them the most away. People with this illness also have what is called an insecure form of attachment (Avoidant). All narcissists have an avoidant attachment style but not all avoidant attachment people are narcissists.
Attachment styles are formed at childhood based on their experiences with their parental figures. Avoidant style people were brought up in a home where their parents either neglected their needs or were needy themselves, therefore, the child was forced to take care of their own needs. The child wasn’t taught secure healthy bonding from their parents so the child then develops an insecure attachment style. Avoidant people fear intimacy. They want relationships but when someone gets too close to them, they run away. Love can hurt which turns into abandonment for an avoidant and narcissist. Forming bonds with loved ones is very uncomfortable for a narcissist because they were not taught healthy bonding as a child. They have an underdeveloped emotional intelligence and that is why it’s hard for them to love and accept love.
To go further into the concept of love through a narcissist’s mind. The narcissist’s true self is a fragile ego with feelings of hatred, shame, and anger for themselves. They really deep down hate themselves. The false self, as we all know, is what covers their true identity and portrays the narcissist as a loving, confident, charming caring individual. When you love a narcissist, you tell them right?
You tell them how much you love them. A telltale sign you’re dating a narcissist is that they ALWAYS question why you love them. They need validation as to why you would love them. It’s quite annoying if you think you’re dating a normal person. “Why do they always question my love for them?” But why do they do this? They don’t love themselves and they can’t understand why you would love them either. A narcissist wants you to love them. They feel entitled to your love. However, they are scared shit of your love. They keep you at arm’s length because they fear you because you love them so much.
Confusing right? Well, I can imagine it’s not easy being a narcissist! The more you love a narcissist, the more uncomfortable they feel about you and push you away.
The second factor is exposure.
Exposure is when you reveal their true self. Typically when you expose a narcissist, they simply discard you and move on to someone else. However, if you truly love them and accept their true self, they will keep you in the devalue stage and not completely discard you. This is what I call “narcissistic purgatory.”
Exposing a narcissist causes narcissistic injury to them. Narcissistic injury is taking their core self which is their fragile ego and hatred and bring it out in the open for you and everyone to see. If you accept who they are and know that they are wearing a mask, that makes them very uneasy. Just like with narcissistic love, they will expect you to forgive them for who they really are. However, they are scared shit that you know who they really are so they want to keep you around but they will keep you in the devalue stage. What this means is that one day they are nice to you, the next, they are as cold as ice. They want you in their life but they hate that you are in their life. It’s never a healthy place to be in and it will drive you insane. It drives you insane because the more you tell them how much you care and love them and will accept them, the more they push you away. What is also confusing about the narcissistic mind is that in this stage, is if you get tired of them pushing you away and you then start to pull away from them, they will then start to chase after you.