Answered on Quora by , M.S Doctor & Physical Therapy, Emory University
A narcissist never trains you to be puppeted, that’s not their intention, here is what happens:
He starts to Idealize you or get obsessed with you because he will start liking the way that you make him feel about himself, they never plan to idealize. It just happens when the opportunity comes in.
You are new and you bring them excitement at first, making them feel good about themselves, it’s not something planned it’s something that happens unconsciously.
The narcissist is your typical wounded child who never grew up emotionally.
They idealize everything new or every new thing.
Imagine a little kid when he buys his favorite jacket, he never loves the jacket however he is obsessed with it because it makes him look good, that’s the difference between love and idealization, after a time the kid starts to get bored since his emotional level is low and throws the jacket away trying to buy another one.
Here is what happens:
They will start to idealize you when you start to stroke their ego, since they live for the Fuel meaning that you are basically helping them with your positivity and vanishing their internal insecurities for a short period of time, meaning that you are making them feel important, giving them something that their parents never gave or that the other people never gave them.
They will just reflect everything back to you like the little kid does, you as an Empathic person will start to like their attention and the conversations and reflect with your Empathy to them and they will reflect back to you with the same things since they are high on your fuel. Keep in mind they ain’t loving you they are however loving the way that you make them feel about themselves, basically, you are giving them the high, you are their drug while they are the abuser, the abuser idealizes his drug early on.
They will keep giving you the things that you want and telling you the things that you need to hear, unconsciously because you are new, you are exciting and you get them high, they will get the tunnel vision with you.
After a period of time the things will start to escalate and you, as a normal person, will start to fall in love with them, since you share lots of things in common and they are telling you the things that you need to hear, however, later on, you will learn that they were just reflecting everything to you back because you were getting them high.
After a period of time, the Narcissist’s internal insecurities start to rise again and they start to get bored since you are not new anymore. They’d never were connected to you with Empathy because they don’t even have a clue what Empathy means or what Love is. They can’t love anyone including themselves, to be able to love someone you need to Empathize and that’s the difference between love and idealization.
When they finally get bored they will start to Devalue, meaning that they will start to look for a new source of Supply. When they start to Devalue they will groom new sources of supplies, switching their entire energy and attention from you to them. This is where the things start to get tricky:
When they switch their entire attention you start to react, asking them questions like what happened, what did you do to deserve this, why are they cold, etc. — meaning that you will start to bore them more, begging, pleading, and clinging. They will start to notice that you are trying to see through that mask or facade and they will activate their defensive mechanism which happens unconsciously to protect their identity.
Their defensive mechanisms include (this is automated by the way):
- Stone Walling.
- Emotional Withholding.
- Emotional Blackmail.
- Silent Treatment.
This happens due to the fact that, after a period of time, you are already deeply in love with them and you are addicted to them and you keep pushing or forcing them to give you a closure or answers, while they can’t because they themselves have no idea what happened. They were just idealizing you, meaning that they never loved you, even though they told you that they loved you when they were high on your fuel.
You are left shattered, in pain and agony, not knowing what happened, because of how quickly it happened, how it happened, and what is exactly going on. Even the Narcissist has no idea what happened, all they know is that they are simply bored, and, no matter how hard they try, they will always get bored since they idealize everything new and they follow that relationship pattern their entire lifetime.
They will move forward like nothing has ever happened. They won’t have a problem moving forward because they never loved you and you, on the other hand, will be fully addicted to them, eating yourself up every day with questions like:
- How was did he move forward?
- How easy was it for him to move forward?
- Did I mean anything to him?
- Did he ever loved me?
The answer is simple, No, they never loved you they idealized you.
Love is something everlasting, it starts slow and it progresses with time, it requires Empathy, Value, Respect, Care, Appreciation.
Idealization is a form of obsession or infatuation that happens for a short period of time. It starts intensely and, after a period of time, it decreases completely. Idealization does not include any of the things mentioned above: Empathy, Value, Care, Appreciation, Respect.
The Narcissist would have never imagined that they would have devalued their most beloved toy, object, jacket, call it whatever, it just happened because that’s what they do, they just simply follow that pattern their entire lifetime.
They will always blame the object for being needy and clingy manipulating the object when they start to Devalue it, to protect their identity.
The short interesting story to clear up your thoughts would be like:
Let’s say a kid wants a pet so bad and his mom finally buys him his favorite German Shepherd, the kid is flying high on cloud 9 all happy and he promises his mom that he is going to take care of the dog and love it for eternity. The kid plays with the dog a couple of weeks or months, taking care of the dog every day like he promised, but after a period of time he starts to get bored and leaves the dog to starve to death, when his mom notices that she starts to feed the dog and take care of it to keep the poor soul alive.
Will his mom blame the kid? Absolutely not, when she bought the dog she knew that the kid was immature and immature kids get bored of everything and they speak with their excitement for a short period of time. She understands that the kid can change his words, feelings and emotional level in a matter of seconds because he is just a kid, who’s empathy is starting to develop and who is just starting to know the life and people. That’s your Narcissist — he is that immature kid, even though he is old with mindset and body, he lacks emotionality.
Now, if you ask the kid, would he have ever known that he would have grown bored of the dog? His answer would be simple, absolutely not, he even himself has no idea why he stopped caring about the dog, it just happened, unconsciously without his control or will.