An ode to Fukaya

Niave corinna 2

Can an illness be a Narcissistic experience? Sure it can! When it comes from the long-entrenched arrogance of the medical profession — when they deny they did it to you, when they abuse you for having it and say it’s your own fault, when no one believes you. When the gaslighting permeates every governing body from the FDA to the family practice — all while they know the facts but will not publicly own them. When your friends and family don’t know what is wrong with you and believe the PR machine of big pharma, when doctors and family say you should keep taking the medication that is harming you so badly — even while your skin is literally falling off day after day, for months and years — in front of them!
Such is Topical Steroid Rebound. I’ll post my hypothesis on the mechanism of action on another page here. I fell into having to research everything I could because it was so unheard of just a few short years ago. Awareness is just growing because social media allows people all over the world to connect the dots. No awareness while also written about since 1970 but too much trouble to deal with because the drug that caused it is one of the most popular. Everything about this condition feels like the narcissistic experience.
The double-whammy for me was that this was the time my husband decided was great to unmask that my whole marriage (26 years at that point) had been a lie and revealed all to me knowing there was no chance I could possibly cope because of all I had just been through and was still going through from my illness. I’ll share a 12-year pic span of my face to show a little glimpse of what it does but the pics do not capture all the blood, ooze and grimness that is this test of endurance. That I can’t share, but a Google search will make your stomach churn. We become disenfranchised from everything — in every way — many lose everything they have, were, and loved. Some do not survive. One man is my hero. I poured it all out one day in this…

In bed I reclined
Still doing my best
Spare thought it was given
I just needed a rest

Naive or plain stupid
My health took a plunder
My body rebelled
With fury and thunder

For the time had come
As it always will do
When the borrowing ends
And payment comes due

Most shocking of all
Was what I learned to my loss
They were all business men
Who cared not a toss

They looked on with wry
As I burst at the seams
The story of which
Was wasting great reams

Left to my devices
In more than one way
I fought through the night
To survive through the day

No one can know
What a TSWer feels
No measure of life
Prepares for the reels

A bleakness of moment
And moment again
I am nothing at all
Just fire and pain

With focused intent
In stillness I kept
But not in the moment
In silence it swept

An anger was focused
And mixed me right up
Relief we had sought
It emptied our cup

I learned to my sadness
An epidemic so wide
It crippled my soul
And robbed all my pride

In halls it is whispered
What can happen if when
A threat it was hinted
And fear it did send

An arrogance unveiled
To shocking deceit
Pity the souls
That path if they meet

So I marveled and wondered
And peed out straight red
What harnessed their sight
And distilled their head

Anxiety is diagnosed
Which I meet with a smile
For what else could come from it
Who walked just one mile

In shoes with no souls
And skin crumbling off
In agony went
To meet with a scoff

The nurses were kind
And mostly in wonder
As the treatment of me
Was surely a blunder

But they did not know
The depth of the threat
In darkness of mind
The truth there was kept

And cover they can
In this paradigm
For allopathic history
Is built on thick slime

Great minds had intentions
And some met with grace
But mostly the game
Is all saving face

To touch the outcome
With tentative hand
Did Dr. Fukaya
To his regret land

Intelligent and direct
His mind was a pace
To help those in need
He changed the whole race

But punished he was
For he had not thought
Of darkness in knowledge
When harbored and bought

In shock, he soon saw
To his eternal surprise
The friendships he’d built
In chorus uprise

Their rage like a wave
Soon swept over him
Who’d only begun
His professional swim

Let this language so light
Not take from effect
All that befell him
His whole life was wrecked

Marooned in all
He’d thought had been true
A truth in its clarity
Was what he would rue

His language a barrier
The web can erase
And fully we saw
What they wouldn’t face

He practiced his sounds
All foreign and strange
The message was out
No limit to range

An honest man
And clear to the bone
We came on his message
It really hit home

For even though he
Had brought some direct light
Even he knew
There’s no win to this fight

So alone we all suffer
In threshold unknown
Disenfranchised fully
Our seeds of loss sewn

In fragments of thoughts
Like drops of sweet dew
When shared between us
That suffer full true

With all this in mind
You see where I’m at
It took me two years
Til upright I sat

Diminishing returns
Are judged fully spent
No peace is given
For money past spent

I’ve lost it all
But that’s not really true
I found my dear girls
To help me get through

To give me a focus
And reign in dark thought
For miserable life
Was not what they bought

Dependent and chained
To life there with me
Were two beautiful souls
In my destiny

Okay, now I’ll say
What’s deep in my mind
No comfort is given
No hope I can find

For someone so clever
To land on her feet
She thought she was good
Was it Karma she meet?

I have no way
To face what I see
The bleakness of soul
Fully surrounds me

I think of the worst
And plan it so tight
It harbors the days
And haunts in the night

I float in a haze
And fight through the fog
My legs feel like lead
In thick bracken bog

I blank at the thought
Of what needs to be done
I haven’t the strength
With each facing sun

It drifts further from me
And my heart aches so pure
I thought I would win
My life would endure

I’d fought off the demons
The lust and repent
I learned who I was
And what that had meant

The pain comes in waves
But I give them no thought
I think of the freedom
Retrieves which I’d bought

My life has been weird
For no one relates
To someone so clever
With those many hates

My illness has taken
The walls thick and coarse
Filled my thoughts of despair
And not but remorse

I’m judged by my peers
Who plainly can see
The result of the hormones
That fill my body

Patronized and dismissed
And those who see slight
To put me in my place
And show me clear spite

I’m disoriented now
By the wrath that I bring
That some of those heroes
With relish they sing

Like Dr. Fukaya
If I can borrow his plight
Learned there’s a difference
Between done and what’s right

So that’s it
My ramble is done
To all that got through
My heart you have won.

— Sabine Fourneaux, CK

Face progression 42-54

One thought on “An ode to Fukaya

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