Narcissists switch their fake emotions, empathy, love, care, respect, friendship, off and on in like a light switch. BUT in reality they are perpetually in that ‘off’ position because they are nothing but an empty shell devoid of life!
I could write out all of the words that describe this abuse and what a Narcissist does to destroy good people but what it boils down to is that they are ABUSIVE and DESTRUCTIVE. They do not have the internal mechanisms associated with empathy, caring, love, respect or anything that deals with treating people in a normal or positive manner, yet alone the ability to have a loving relationship. They dehumanize people, lie to them, betray them, harm them, and DESTROY them – it is the cycle of abuse with a Narcissist. We get caught up in the horrendous and sick manipulation that they conned us into believing that THEY LOVED US.
As I said many times before, that is the sickest thing a human being could do to another human, yet alone use that trust to extort what they can from a person. Every step of the way this creature has manipulated a target/victim only to use them up and discard them which was inevitable! But also remember that before the discard the Narcissist psychologically abused you to put you in a place of total blame, made you vulnerable, disabled you, isolate and silenced you. Lastly they have gone out and spread rumors that YOU are the abuser, mentally ill, cheated on them and everything else they could think of to really seal your fate. This is the abuse in a nutshell!
What after any of this would it take to convince you that this was purely an agenda and how destructive they are and how you MUST free yourself from this abuse?
Narcissists are ABUSERS! You have to accept this as reality as it concerns any relationship with them. BUT once you know the truth you must make a choice of what you are going to do. The best choice is to leave them, but if you choose to stay with them then you have to accept that they are GOING to abuse you and probably destroy your life AND you.
YES they seem to be very lovable, highly charming, possessing empathy and even intelligent. That is for a short time and the façade that they create and there is no reality to it. The only significance to it is that it allows the Narcissist to con people into their world to extort them! This becomes the very illusion and trap that the target/victims get caught up in that becomes the future source of so much misery for targets/victims. We BELIEVE in the Narcissist’s manufactured love or we fall in love with them and become vulnerable because of the emotional attachment. It is a horrendous disappointment, and disillusionment when you realize that you fell in love with a perfect illusion of love that is TOTALLY manufactured! It becomes traumatic then when you have to deal with this somehow and accept that the time you invested and the love that is a reality to you NEVER existed – IT WAS A FAÇADE to extort everything that this Narcissist could from you.
Underneath that façade was the Narcissist’s structured agenda to lure you in and capture you as a new source of supply. BUT the truth behind this manufactured love is that the Narcissists façade is so weak and disordered and very inconsistent. You were always feeling off balance and you somehow committed yourself to fix them and fix the relationship AND they took advantage of this. Somewhere in all of this, you lost sight of your individual needs because the Narcissist used your emotions and love AGAINST you to keep bringing you down and making you more vulnerable and dependent on them. The Narcissist knew that love would make any human vulnerable and that is what they used to manipulate you. By their very nature they are out of control and jump at any opportunity to scam somebody or use them as supply, but Narcissists learned that manufactured love would secure at least one source of 24/7 supply and still allow them to have the freedom to secure OTHER supply on the side as well! You were never the wiser as it concerned their perverted world (on the side) because you were too busy loving them and believing their distorted lies! Just even writing about this sounds too incredulous to be true BUT IT IS!
The complexity of the Narcissist consists entirely of coping and defense mechanisms that completely drive them. These mechanisms are ALL consuming and the Narcissist is working double time or even triple time to repress their severely damaged persona and that is all they are able to accomplish to maintain their own distorted sanity – they live and breathe to control themselves and us. So basically their disordered agenda HAS to include the false identity (mask) as part of their coping mechanism AND part of their defense to avoid having to look inward at how disordered they are, but they also need it desperately to achieve a source of supply. They are one HUGE defense mechanism that functions to repress their disordered and damaged self so they can cope with the real world and seem to be normal in our world. They protect it at all costs and if they are wounded they will strike out and attack anyone that threatens their world. They CAN’T maintain the fake love because it is not anything real to them, it is a tool and just part of the overall defense mechanism. They become easily bored because they don’t experience the real emotions of love that connect two people normally. Don’t think I am saying this so that we pity them – there are two different directions that every person in this world has the capability to actualize – and that involves making the right or wrong choices! To destroy, harm, lie, steal, manipulate, destroy, etc. IS THE WRONG CHOICE and ABUSE!
Any effort that you invest in to try to relate to a Narcissist emotionally is doomed the very second you try to actualize your thoughts as a workable reality. Also, any attempt that you make along the lines of trying to understand their world, their patterns, why they do what they do, or why they react in the manner they do, or relating their actions into viable emotions as YOU normally relate to emotions is also totally hopeless! It will always end up destructive to YOU and used against you by the Narcissist.
Narcissists make no emotional investments in anybody, but they do mimic emotions as a tool to manipulate you and I.
Along the same lines they feel no stimulation from you or the relationship that you have with them. You do however have a very clear and significant role and that is as Narcissistic Supply. They abhor intimacy and see it as a weakness so you are only a means to an end as supply or basically an object that they need to function! You have heard the saying ‘familiarity breeds contempt’ – well a Narcissist is very ‘familiar’ with all humankind and they just judge us and group us all into this contemptuous role. They don’t need the familiarity of knowing you/us because they devalue human beings before they even know them! Narcissists do this as naturally as we breathe air! BUT funny how they need us to survive so they go to all lengths to make us BELIEVE they care about or love us. It is a simple manipulation for them because all they do is mimic our needs, likes, loves, etc. right back onto us. They force themselves or PRETEND to have all the same qualities that we have. So what isn’t there to like about having SO MUCH in common with somebody. Unfortunately that somebody is a Narcissist and a pathological liar that aims to use their manipulation techniques to harm!
There is no love, no personal interest, no emotional attachment, and no intellectual stimulation with their significant others. Individuality is perceived as a threat to Narcissists so they manipulate through deception to control us and their environment (or their fortress.) The whole relationship is a process of devaluation to make targets/victims dependent on the Narcissist and it seriously starts from day one to get you under their spell.
We take on the role of a parent or babysitter to a Narcissist.
Unfortunately, we end up dealing with a contemptuous and mean 3-year old that makes us a punching bag for their tantrums and rages, co-dependent or always walking on eggshells to soothe them, and caught up in every distorted whim of theirs. They never get better through our love, care and respect AND instead we are taken for granted and used more and more. It is a full-time job that is emotionally and physically draining if you are a person that is directly connected to a Narcissist. Then there is always the destruction that goes hand in hand with the relationship because it really isn’t a 3-year-old child you are dealing with, but instead a highly disordered adult AND an abuser!
A Narcissist ALWAYS ends up devaluing, dehumanizing and hating their target/victim and they make sure that everyone knows that YOU are just this evil and have HURT them through their contemptuous smear campaign.
We are not capable of maintaining a one-way relationship especially when our individual needs come into play AND this becomes our downfall. The Narcissist does throw out a few bones here and there but that is only to maintain their distorted agenda and keep us as active supply until they can find another MAIN source of supply. Narcissists are always on the hunt for newer and better supply and we do have an expiration date! We are not objects so we start questioning our roles and the Narcissist’s behaviors and that is where the trouble starts. The Narcissist will not allow us to be anything but an adoring servant to them. We are not allowed to make them accountable for any of their actions and we fall out of grace quickly and punished severely.
Nobody can stay in a role where they are constantly devalued, reduced to constant blame, restricted in their capacity to grow, constantly lied to, extorted, betrayed, etc. But as simple as it seems to identify these traits as negative and to run for your life and away from this monster there are complexities from the abuse that keep the target/victim coming back for more. The Narcissist has groomed their target/victim to basically identify totally with the fake love by using it to make the target/victim vulnerable and they take advantage of that to manage us down more and more. Simply put it is a form of behavioral modification or brainwashing! It is subtle but effective and the target/victim gets caught up in this horrendous cycle of abuse. Love connects us at the hip to this disordered creature. The Narcissist utilizes very strong manipulation techniques to break us down and keep us down.
Unfortunately, because we are just objects or instruments to a Narcissist and not a viable human being that they respect, we cease to be a viable source of supply in time so they move on to the next source without a care. Just take the time to consider your relationship with your Narcissist as the perfect example of being an instrument to serve them. Where are you today? Probably discarded, very vulnerable, confused, hurt, disabled, totally drained and pretty close to being destroyed. You never really knew a real person because there wasn’t one there to know. Instead, there was a ‘nobody’ there or a fake image we loved and believed in and we hung on to that nothingness believing it was real!
Narcissists are not fully functioning human beings and they live out their entire lives in pursuit of self-gratification or the clinical term Narcissistic Supply. They would have fared out better in prehistoric times where they would fit in with all of the other predators that lived to eat each other. Dinosaurs had no qualm about their agenda to consume whatever they could, so you knew that you had to run or be eaten (a luxury we don’t have with a Narcissist!) In modern times prehistoric monsters are extinct and wouldn’t fit in at all. Narcissists have evolved to fit in and be able to seek out and consume prey. EVERYONE in the Narcissist’s world is an object AND a potential source of supply to con, then drain dry, and discard.
So the trap!
Everybody that was or is in any kind of relationship with a Narcissist BELIEVED that this Narcissist’s love was real. They were real to you in many ways or so you believed, BUT the devaluation (abuse) was the ONLY real thing here and the agenda of this Narcissist to extort your entire life and love. You had a ‘real’ sense of it, but what you BELIEVED is that given sufficient time and patience you could fix this Narcissist because that became your only role and the ‘fake’ LOVE got you there. BINGO that is what your relationship was all along ‘fixing’ this Narcissist, apologizing for their faults they projected onto you, and being supply.
Likewise, the Narcissist makes use of your naivety and exploits it to their benefit. The Narcissist uses natural love and all of the emotions associated with it to extract their supply. This Narcissist also uses your pain from the devaluation to please him/her. They also use it to extract MORE supply by making you beg for that fake love and very vulnerable to keep you in the never-ending cycle of providing supply. You give and give and bend and bend until you practically snap in two.
What does that boil down to?
The Narcissist plays and plays with your normal psyche to groom or change and shape it by penetrating your defenses through their vast arsenal of manipulation. The ‘real’ you starts to slowly disappear as the Narcissist basically assigns (manipulates) new behaviors onto and into you and you now have evolved your own ‘false self’ that coincides with the Narcissist’s many distorted needs! It is not the same as the Narcissist’s ‘false self’ that is self-manufactured but instead an outcome of the Narcissist’s agenda. Through osmosis, you become a slave to them. Idealization or devaluation is, in reality, all part of this process of changing you to meet all of the Narcissist’s needs! It is a very well thought out agenda on the Narcissist’s part and it is supported by their ability to manipulate you thoroughly or psychologically abuse you. Let’s call it psychological terrorism or psychological rape. They are the GREAT manipulator!
The Narcissist achieves this by basically infiltrating our psyche with that famous charm and manufactured love that poured out so easily and constantly! Then they penetrate our defenses, AND once they secure our love and TRUST, we are basically putty in their hands to completely extort our lives and love! This is all there was to the relationship as far as the Narcissist was concerned, but consider the time and energy you put into believing that this was real and then the outcome of realizing the truth. There is no easy out even when you learn the truth because you now have to deal with a reality that is so foreign to you. You now have to somehow convince yourself that this is a FACT after the many years of believing otherwise. You have to search for help and answers. You have to suddenly become a scholar that understands personality disorders. You have to rise above the pain and destruction and basically become a superhero to yourself.
Well, then what is left after everything thing you invested with your love and time with them? Nothing but total despair, betrayal at a hideous level and vulnerability. You are not going to be that superhero for some time. The road ahead of you requires a great deal of education and introspection to understand all of this. You have to fall out of love and realize that there never was love. You have to tax your mind in a manner to make it believe something so foreign to you. It is like a virus in your body that spreads everywhere.
There is no Guru out there or magic fix to any of this. You are now having to deal with your own behavioral issues that manifest themselves as depression and anxiety. You are questioning your own belief system. You have experienced a form of behavioral modification or brainwashing and ALL of this has to be dealt with. You have to deal with the emotions surrounding the loss of love and grieving that too. DON’T and I mean don’t look for magical cures because they don’t exist. Think of this in terms of trying to heal yourself from heart disease or diabetes. You have to seek professional help or the issues will resurface later and you will be unhealthy for the rest of your life.
As I look back and remember the abuse I can clearly see the devaluation process so clearly NOW. I can see how this person I believed in was one HUGE exaggerated lie. After the fact, I can see how this Narcissist destroyed their own family with the same lies and distortions that pulled me in. I see hate, envy, crazy lies, and manipulation from an insane individual that lies their way through life and enjoys the harm that they inflict on others. I see a person that is so PERVERTED and a sexual addict that will connect with anybody or anything they can con into their lifestyle. This Narcissist put these sexual needs before their own family without a care or the embarrassment that it caused to any of them.
I believed and supported this monster in an effort to help them through serious problems and I only enabled them to abuse the people they left damaged before me. I was just the next target for this Narcissist to avoid exposure and use my goodness as a shield as well as extort everything they could from me and my family. These huge problems were just more scams to cover the truth and pull sympathy in for this Narcissist’s distorted cause. This Narcissist is EVERYTHING that clinically defines this disorder. I am so thankful that I was able to break free of this person’s convoluted and destructive world. I pity everyone that came before me that also had to deal with this monster. I also pity the new target/victims that are living the huge lie now. One day you WILL be able to separate yourself from them with the truth lighting your way and you will no longer have ANY connection with them.
When you are healthy again and on the road to real recovery THEN and only then can you look inward and create new boundaries, work on issues that may have allowed you to accept abuse, or basically fix the things that need help. This is a process and has no specified time attached to it. BUT and this is important, there has to be an ‘ah ha’ moment when you get it, or actualize the truth and move away from trying to understand the Narcissist or EVER thinking you could get into their head in a manner to help you through your healing process.
You have to accept that they are disordered and turn your thoughts back onto yourself.
YOU are what is important here. Your well-being and returning to a healthy lifestyle is a must. You cared WAY too much about this Narcissist and almost gave yourself up to save them and it got you nowhere. They are what they are and will never change. They will never love you or even like you. They are gone and abusing somebody else and they are not feeling anything as it concerns you. They don’t feel any pain from abuse because they were the abuser. They also don’t feel any withdrawal from love because they never really loved you. They are not feeling any remorse for the damage they have left you with because they are abusive and that is there modus operandi or mode of operation. No/minimal contact.