Warning signs of being gaslighted by a narcissist.

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Post by Veronica Welles, Quora.


  • their words contradict yours
  • their version of truth contradicts yours
  • their memory of the event contradicts yours (altering history)
  • their words contradict their actions
  • their words contradict their words
  • their actions contradict their actions
  • their understanding contradicts their knowledge
  • you are always wrong, they are always right
  • they are always right, but then they suddenly agonize over trivial delusionally fabricated ‘ offenses’, and beg you for clemency
  • you are always wrong, but they defer to you for your expertise when it suits them
  • they praise your expertise and disregard you when your input gets in their way
  • don’t do what I do, do what I say
  • they agree with you, but their explanation subsequently proves disagreement
  • they disagree with you, but their explanation subsequently proves agreement (they plagiarized you and furthermore disagreed with your original idea)
  • they treat you well in front of others and abuse you after they’re gone
  • they sing praises to you in front of others and verbally abuse you after they’re gone
  • they humiliate you in front of others and sing praises to you after they’re gone
  • they spend $500, walk a thousand miles, use the whole day to get you a worthless knick-knack, and wouldn’t lift a finger and spend 5 minutes helping you on something important
  • they abuse you and then say ‘I didn’t mean it’
  • they abuse you and then say ‘I will improve’ and then subsequently abuses you again and then say ‘I will improve’ again, after years of doing this, they declare ‘see, I have improved’ and when you disagree, they abuse you by getting angry and declaring that you’re fault finding them
  • they will say ‘I have love for you’ and then abuse you and then say ‘I love you’ and then abuse you again, and then say that phrase again, it seems that they have everything vested in verbally convincing you that they love you, the more they end up abusing you, the more you get told you are loved
  • they mess with life roles (if a parent is supposed to provide security for their children, they will make sure they neglect or endanger theirs, if a spouse is supposed to love you, they will make sure you feel unloved, if a friend is supposed to be there for a rainy day, they will make sure to be unreliable only on rainy days)

Counter Reality

  • what is real is unreal, what is unreal is real
  • what happened didn’t, what didn’t happen happened
  • good is bad, bad is good, sweet is bitter, bitter is sweet
  • your issues don’t exist, let’s talk about new issues instead
  • what you saw five seconds ago didn’t happen
  • what they saw five seconds ago, which you didn’t see even though you too were looking, happened
  • if they say something is real, then it’s real, even though the physical evidence against it is still staring you both in the face
  • because some fantasy of theirs got too psychotic, they suddenly believed you did something, or are planning it, even though the physical evidence for the last 10 years argues otherwise
  • if they hate you, they will fabricate reasons to justify it, and now you owe them restitution
  • if they idealize someone, they will fabricate reasons to justify it, and then compare the inadequate you with the fantasy reasons and put you down
  • every time you have any grievances with them, they will derail the topic by horse-trading their own grievances with you, all of which were fabricated in a previous moment of hatred for you

Counter Communication and Making Sense

  • they prevent understanding
  • they prevent successful communication, they obfuscate, they create confusion because that’s their goal
  • weaponized mid-sentence change of topic without informing you
  • the conversation is about your topic, somehow something else swiftly replaced it, when you point it out, you are told we are still talking about your topic
  • they talk about their own topic, they swiftly replace it with another topic, it confuses you, when you try to get them to stay on topic, you are told they are still talking about the original topic, what’s your problem?
  • they talk about topic 1, they swiftly replace it with topic 2 halfway while still pretending to be talking about topic 1, you politely tolerate it, topic 3 replaces topic 2 halfway, there are now two unfinished topics that make no sense, topic 3 somehow addresses topic 1 even though it doesn’t, you politely tolerate it, topic 4 now emerges, topics 1, 2, 3, all make no sense because they were unfinished
  • word salads, radio means TV, TV means bathroom, etc. e.g.‘why didn’t you bring the umbrella (shopping trolley), now we can’t cart the groceries (potted plants) home’
  • conceptual salads e.g. ‘narcissists (neurotypicals) are people too, all people are narcissistic (untrue), and so narcissists (neurotypicals) should be treated like people, (a dog is a mammal, a dog has four legs, all mammals have four legs, all mammals are dogs, all dogs have four legs, humans are not mammals, lizards are mammals)
  • derailment, derailment, derailment, derailment, nothing can be talked through to the closure end
  • dismissal, dismissal, dismissal, dismissal, lots of loose ends, nothing gets handled with systematically and with integrity, things just get tossed out and never talked of again
  • disregardance, disregardance, disregardance, disregardance, if they don’t like it, they will use every single narcissistic trick in the book including silent withholding, pretending you never said it, agreeing to talk about it but then talk about something else instead, etc. disregardance ensures communications always fail, understanding always fails
  • answering questions you never asked, making sure they never answer your real question, then proceeding forth from the answer to the never asked question, derailing it from there ever further
  • there is a predictable period of peaking in malignant communication style, which is when you confront them for their contradictions. This phase is predictable because it marks an abrupt violent change in how they communicate, because they will suddenly:
    • talk nonstop to prevent you talking
    • interrupt nonstop to prevent you finishing your sentences and getting your point across
    • accuse you of interrupting when you try to continue over them
    • talk in rapid-fire salads just to drown you out (and make utterly no sense)
    • fire hydrant lying (narcissists lie frequently, but the malignant communication phase causes them to gush lies like a fire hydrant) (it’s like tap dancing of lies)
    • finish your sentences for you to make you say the opposite of what you intended
    • arguing against your point which wasn’t actually your point because they ‘gave’ it to you by finishing your sentences with a malicious replacement point, which then serves as a straw man argument to demolish you
    • ostensibly arguing against you but actually rapid fire arguing against themselves because what they are arguing against is the points they ‘gave’ you, because you were never allowed to finish any sentences (they argue against themselves throughout the entire argument, it’s a soliloquy, the narcissist playing the role of themselves and your role too)
    • derail everything you want to say, want to mean, want to sort out, everything of yours pretty much
    • impose unfair, crazymaking points and solutions on you
    • reframe, redefine away, equivocate, salad away, incoherent away, derail away the original point of the discussion
    • their counterarguments proceed like this:
      • counterargument 1, unfinished, replaced by counterargument 2
      • counterargument 2, unfinished, replaced by counterargument 3
      • etc.
    • the combination of these three things:
      1. arguing against not your point
      2. arguing against themselves while pretending to argue against you
      3. unfinished rapid fire replacement counterarguments that never made sense and never concluded with a solid point
    • creates a self-reinforcing endless loop which entirely leaves you out of the process, the narcissist becomes a perpetual motion machine plus Energizer Bunny that makes you scratch your head in amazement as you watch them carry on alone (if you could summon forth the non-attachment)
  • narcissist communication tricks fall only into three categories:
    1. denial
    2. fabrication
    3. silent withholding
  • these three categories are combined like a Michelin Star chef to produce exquisite narcissistic dishes of gaslighting whose results can be summarized as prevented understanding, prevented communication, prevented solution.

The result on you

  • confusion
  • frustration
  • trance logic (dreamy state of absolute uncertainty akin to being hypnotized)
  • abandoning your perceptions in favor of theirs
  • they always get their way
  • abuse subtly escalates in severity
  • you will replay conversations and incidences over and over again in your mind, continually over the years, your mind spinning like a hamster wheel, trying to make sense of things that couldn’t make sense (without the correct assumption of having dealt with a narcissist with a malicious communication style), trying to figure out why everything in life is so difficult, why everything had to go wrong, whether you said anything wrong or did anything wrong, how it could have worked out successfully instead (it never could, because narcissists are all about ruining your things and poisoning life, nothing can ever work out well with a narcissist)
  • emotional damage in the long term (going crazy, c-PTSD, becoming depressed, suicidal, anxious, acquiring trust issues, acquiring anger management issues, losing all initiative, losing all concept of reality, losing all concept of truth, losing all concept of right and wrong, losing all personal power, losing all ability to say ‘no’, losing all ability to say ‘yes’, losing all ability to judge, etc.)
Original post: https://www.quora.com/What-are-the-top-10-warning-signs-of-being-gaslighted-by-a-narcissist/answer/Veronica-Welles?ch=12&share=b6179d97&srid=hGTcX

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