How do people with narcissistic personality disorder destroy their partners’ self esteem?

By Veronica Welles, Quora.

Feeling content with yourself, being alright with yourself, is ultimately rooted in morality.

Correct morality allows us to feel clean and peaceful inside.

Incorrect morality causes us to feel filthy and violent inside.

It is impossible to reach a state of lasting peace and contentment while struggling with the filth and violence of immorality.

Hence to destroy a person’s emotional wellbeing, we destroy their moral reality.


Narcissists destroy you through destroying your emotional wellbeing, by destroying your morality.

This is how they do it:

They will use your good against you:

  • anything good you do for them is disregarded or discarded, it’s as if you did nothing good at all
  • they pretend you have nothing good in you, if you did something good for them, they ignore it, pretend it didn’t happen, or treat you as if you just injured them, and in effect, cause you to believe you did something bad instead
  • they make sure to repay all your good deeds with evil, disregard, ingratitude, or vindictiveness, which makes the complete opposite of sense, this is intended to drive you insane
  • they will deliberately misunderstand everything selfless and good you intend or did as some form of evil-seeking of scheming on your part, to attempt to brainwash you to believe you are vile and scheming
  • through a highly indirect means of covert subversion, they will first tell you their personal woe, and then when you naively open up and offer your sincere desire to help, they will seize the opportunity to violently reject it through weaponized self-sufficiency and then walk out on you to prevent you helping them, the point of this exercise is to trick and train you to believe the falsehood that you have no good in you and are not needed and to feel that you are too useless and incompetent or untrustworthy to ever help anyone (they never wanted help, they only wanted to trick you to open up and offer compassion so that they can degrade you through that) (they wanted to build you up so that they can then deflate you, they want to trick you to open up so that they can burn you on the inside) (they want to engineer a situation where they get to toss your heartfelt compassion out the window)
  • their ingratitude is beyond mere ingratitude, it’s weaponized ingratitude, by directly requesting help from you and then getting it, they then make sure they violently reject your request for help next time, the point of this exercise is to show you how foolish you were to ever help them, to make you see that you can count on no one you’ve ever helped if you ever are in need, and to accomplish your cooperative degradation from having helped them (they want to show you a world of heartlessness and pure exploitation)
  • if you accomplished anything good for society or anyone else, they make sure they never acknowledge it
  • all your good disappears into a black hole in the presence of the narcissist (they cause you to feel moral hopelessness)
  • they cause you to feel that either all your good deeds are totally inconsequential, or that none of them were good deeds
  • over time, this slow falsehood brainwashing torture causes you to become convinced that you possess no good at all, because they mirror none back to you (they seek to bring out the worst in you, to cause you to become the worst version of yourself)
  • the more good you are, the more effective this weaponized inversion works, this harms the most good people the worst, it doesn’t really have much of an effect on bad people because bad people don’t fall for this trick (the most moral child of the family often suffers the most, the least moral child suffers the least) (narcissists foster, train and evolve moral depravity while stomping out good)

They will use your honesty against you:

  • the more honest you are, the more they will accuse you of dishonesty
  • the more honest you are, the more they will treat you as if everything you did came with a dishonest agenda, that you are always hiding things from them, that you are always trying to get away with something nefarious you just did, that you are always manipulating, twisting, scheming, because they know this hurts and particularly drives the most honest people insane, because honest people can’t process this cognitive dissonance and contradiction
  • this works extremely well against extremely honest people, it drives them insane, this doesn’t work against dishonest people because dishonest people don’t fall for this trick (this is not just why the most honest child suffers the most, but also why the Golden Child will often turn out to be a monster most similar to the narcissist, because the Golden Child is rewarded indirectly for every dishonest deed they did)

They will use your give against you:

  • the more you give them, the more they can use that to hurt you
  • taking and taking and giving nothing back is not just deliberate, it is calculated to make you feel more and more degraded the more you give
  • so the more you give them, the more you are cooperating with them in degrading you more through every gift of yours
  • they want to teach you that giving is degrading for you
  • they will teach you perverse, filthy philosophies like give without expectations, which are nothing other than just being on the receiving end of ingratitude and self-subversion, it normalizes ingratitude

They weaponize your morality needs against you:

  • when you do something good, that needs to be acknowledged for you to have the sanity and levity of your goodness reflected back at you, that’s denied through weaponized withholding
  • when you do something good, you expect repayment in the form of having someone to count on when you yourself are in need, that’s denied through weaponized withholding
  • when you are honest, you expect honesty in return, that’s how opening up and bonding occurs, that’s denied through weaponized withholding of honesty and information warfare
  • when you have any needs for acknowledgement, security, gratitude, sincerity, mutual vulnerability and opening up, seriousness and levity, someone to acknowledge that you got emotionally or physically hurt or injured, someone to acknowledge and point out that you just suffered a degrading experience, respect and decency, food, time, someone to talk to because you have some issues you want to talk about, someone to just hold this for a minute, someone to change the toilet roll if it runs out, someone to keep the lift open for you, someone who sits across you in the dinner party who doesn’t ignore you the whole party, etc. ALL these are opportunities to practice weaponized withholding against you, and they are jumped at gleefully
  • they weaponize as many of your needs against you as they can get their hands on
  • when you expect any moral behavior from them, they accuse you of being controlling, or selfish, or judgemental, or unloving (e.g. expecting an apology means you demonstrate conditional love)
  • through withholding, through taunting you for having needs, through reframing your needs as selfish, through using your needs to triangulate (that other person doesn’t have needs unlike you), etc. they attempt to sell you the falsehood of converting your normal, natural needs into something unreasonable or perverse or spoilt or demanding or high maintenance, depending on how the vocabulary or narrative of your particular narcissist goes (the aim is to make you feel filthy, perverse, worthless, unreasonable, ashamed, etc. for living and breathing and having needs)

They will show you how a world without any good left in it would look like:

  • you give real good will, they promptly throw it out the window
  • you give real honesty, they promptly throw it out the window
  • THEN they show you how, through cheap cutesiness, cheap love-bombing, cheap lies, cheap falsehoods, cheap compliments, cheap favors, cheap acting, they con strangers, naive people, and flying monkeys into treating the narcissist AS IF they were the most truly good person in the world, even though you know the truth that the narcissist commits evil at every opportunity while behind closed doors
  • but there is truth in what the narcissist just showed you, a lot of people don’t care what good and truth looks like, their idea of good and truth better conforms with the scams of a narcissist than to the real deal, that’s why we must shun both narcissists and flying monkeys alike

Ultimately, unless you are a narcissist, sub-clinical narcissist, or some other pathological type of person with character moral failure, your contentment, happiness, and peace relies on the belief that the world is alright.

And that’s what they attack.

Through their weaponizations, they injure morality.

If morality can be understood as, ‘and that’s why the world is alright’, by injuring morality, they convert your worldview into, ‘and that’s why the world is hell’. It’s no surprise that narcissists create victims with trust issues.

The entire point of narcissistic abuse is to make your love grow cold.

9 “Then they will deliver you up to tribulation and kill you, and you will be hated by all nations for My name’s sake.

10 And then many will be offended, will betray one another, and will hate one another.

11 Then many false prophets will rise up and deceive many.

12 And because lawlessness will abound, the love of many will grow cold.

13 But he who endures to the end shall be saved.

14 And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in all the world as a witness to all the nations, and then the end will come.

Bible Gateway passage: Matthew 24:9-14 – New King James Version

The way to make your love grow cold is to attack every good thing you demonstrate, and every truthful thing you demonstrate. There is no better definition of wickedness than that.

Narcissists toy with morality to destroy morality. Because through destroying morality, they destroy love. And through destroying love, they destroy the point of living and staying alive.


A lot of people don’t know that morality and sanity are inseparably intertwined through love.

Let’s illustrate:

You love good. You hate evil. You love good people. You hate evil people.

That’s healthy.

Imagine the inverse.

You love evil. You hate good. You love evil people. You hate good people.

That’s sick.

How about something in between?

You are indifferent to evil. You are indifferent to good. You are indifferent to evil people. You are indifferent to good people.

That’s callous, senseless, mindless (no mind), and how trance logic looks like.

Out of the three possibilities, only one of them holds sanity. Only one of them allows us to love healthily. The second one is about sick love, the kind that only narcissists understand. The third is about the death of love, a cold cold universe with no emotional logic (devoid of empathy) and pure inconsequentiality and meaninglessness and the sheer pointless insignificance of everything good ever intended.

If you cannot love good and hate evil, you cannot be moral, you cannot stay sane, you cannot feel alright about the world or about yourself.

Then self-esteem naturally goes down the toilet.

Then there’s only appetites, lusts, drives, compulsions, perversions, hungers and thirsts. Addictions.

Sanity relies on morality being morality. Morality relies on the good being good, and the evil being evil.

Weaponized moral confusion looks like this:

20 Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil;
Who put darkness for light, and light for darkness;
Who put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!

Bible Gateway passage: Isaiah 5:20 – New King James Version

The narcissist will do evil onto you over and over again, killing your honesty and love bit by bit, until all your love has grown cold.

Ultimately, morality and love are inseparable. Wickedness makes love grow cold. Righteousness makes it safe to love (would you rather love an honest or a false person?). We love what is good. We hate what is evil. Sane people cannot love what is evil, nor hate what is good.

When good and evil are inverted, so is love and hatred, in a world of inverted love and hatred, inverted good and evil, where evil is loved, and good is hated, can your self-esteem survive?


So let me conclude with something somewhat uplifting.

23 Above all else, guard your heart,
 for everything you do flows from it.

Bible Gateway passage: Proverbs 4:23 – New International Version

Loving the narcissist can only result in your love growing colder and colder.

Guard your heart against the narcissist. Keep your love alive. Don’t waste any of it on the narcissist. You will need all of it to someday share with those who will make you glad you preserved every single iota of it left from the narcissist.

There are good people out there. Find them. Love them. And give.

Original post.

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